I had a dream this morning which somehow involved giant bricks of taffy as currency for movie theaters, and I was like, yo mom and dad since I’m in town, let’s go see the Avengers, and it was like, 4 bricks a ticket, but the taffy came in packages 8 or so, and there where different kinds, and one of them was the sort of “mystery” flavor that was part of some contest randomly having to do with Johnny’s Entertainment, as a promotion for this specific theater chain, which in dreamland was the old Mann Theater across from the JoAnn and Taget which hasn’t been a theater since I was a kid, and which I’d never even been inside but have always imagined as run-down and dark and dusty, and sure enough, I get us to go there, because what is this package even saying, something about a NEWS concert and the chance to win a TON of taffy. These bricks were already huge, so I was like, Mooooom, let’s just go see Avengers there, because that could be like, a life-time supply of taffy, I will never have to want for anything ever again, so we go, and sit down in the dark dusty run-down theater, but instead of them showing Avengers, this really dinky-looking, middle-school-cafeteria-dance-esque stage production starts up and is all like, “Just what you’ve all been waiting for!~” (all like, 10 people in the theater) “Presenting: TEGOSHI YUYA~!!!” Um, wut?
My mom is like, hmmm, this isn’t what the commercials made me think the Avengers was like (but I’m totally trying to be supportive and not judge your hobbies sweetie, but really, you do know you’re a 25 year old grown-ass woman, don’t you? I worry about you.. <--this was all communicated by eyebrow, not words, my mom’s really nice) And I’m like, whut is this even, why is there random single NEWS in my old, hometown MOVIE theater, WTF JE, oh well maybe I should have known considering the other people in the audience are all slightly awkward looking teenage girls, but that theoretically could have happened at Avengers too, and goddamn it all, why couldn’t it at least have been Shige or Koyama, or even Massu that they sent out here to butt-fuck nowhere America to dance really really awkwardly on a rickety, poorly-lit stage.
So then I had some thought about how incredibly lame all the JE and NEWS choreography looks when you’re doing it all by yourself, so I felt bad for Tegoshi, even though he undoubtedly wasn’t feeling the least bit of shame like a normal person, so I was like, yeah, come on Mom, I don’t know any of these moves either, but we should probably at least try to fake some enthusiasm, so we started clapping and arm waving along and fake-smiling (or not fake in my Mom’s case, because she’s just that nice) and then there was something about seeing Shige pop his head over the back of the set to see if things were going as terribly as he expected, and then I had some thought about well, hope this helps them not feel TOO intimidated starting up really sadly-budgeted shows over here, but damnit I really wanted that taffy!
And then of course I woke up. W.T. actual-F., brain? Why NEWS? Why Tegoshi?! Why…ok, lol, no, I don’t need to question why taffy because taffy is freakin’ awesome and I haven’t had any in probably a couple years. Think I’m going to go hit up Target and buy me some Wonka, wish it came in brick-size.